Test one (In the end I was in the forest, we were all there) 2013. Video stills
Model of how we live and work together, detail, 2012.
Clay, acrylic paint etc.
Test one, 2013. Video still
Comment, test one
We were doing physical exercises. The first day they said that the work was exciting. One said I was a good leader. The second day one said that I could be a bit harder as a leader, and give them more orders about what to do. I said I thought it was OK as it was. After that we were warming up, we did an exercise where we were supposed to laugh. One participant thought it was hard to try to press out laughter in that way. I felt uneasy to ask someone to laugh when the person did not want to laugh. And then suddenly I found the whole project stupid and impossible and I said ”let´s skip this whole shit”, and ended the exercise.
They thought I was angry because one of them could not do the laughing correctly. I was angry but not because of that, and they were standing beside me waiting for me to say what to do next. I had to say something. I remembered one of them had told me that morning I could be more dominant, I should not lose control. So I told them we were going to laugh anyway, and they did what I told them to, even though they didn´t want to. We were trying to laugh for a long long time. It was extremely unpleasant. After that they were angry with me. One of them said I had behaved really bad as a leader. I felt a very strong feeling of guilt. Once I heard in a natural science program on the radio, that the ability to feel guilt was developed to keep the alfa males in control. I tried to explain that it was all a misunderstanding, that I didn´t get angry with them because they were not laughing when I ordered it, that I had just been doubting myself, my position and my ideas. I got into panic and that resulted in my uncontrolled outburst. What I said did not seem to make any difference, and why should it, actually? Later that the evening we were documenting the test, in bikinis, doing everything the way I had decided we should do it.
Test one (Trangia), 2013. Video still